My Heart Wants What My Mind Knows I Can't Have
by Dingbat142001
Summary: Oneshot. There’s somebody else, and I ain’t got nobody to blame but myself. RayNeela. Midseason 12 Spoilers.


**Title**: My Heart Wants What My Mind Knows I Can't Have.

**Rating:** FRT  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything. Just the idea.  
**Spoilers:** 12.8, 12.9 and 12.10. When Gallant and Neela marry.  
**Summary**: There's somebody else, and I ain't got nobody to blame but myself.

Lyrics: Billy Ray Cyrus - Could've Been Me Lyrics

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"Tell me you don't love me."

Her words cut me deep.

For once in my life, I have no idea of what to say. I know what she wants me to say though, I've always known. She wants me to tell her I love her. She wants me to say I can't live without her. She wants me to wrap her in my arms and never let go.

But what she doesn't know is that I can't do that. I can't give her what she needs. I certainly can't give her what she deserves. And as much as it hurts me to admit, he can. A promising career in the Army, a clean-cut no-nonsense guy is the future she has. What would await her if she came home to me? A crummy, little apartment and an even lousy husband. Let's face it; someone so perfect shouldn't be with me.

Since the day she told me she was engaged, my mind, not my heart, was in charge. I told her I was happy for her; I told him he was a lucky man; I told everyone else I was okay.

I even told myself that. My heart knew I was lying but as long as the allusion of happiness was there, life was good.

It isn't as if I'm not happy for her. I am. I'm glad she found someone that makes her happy, and someone who will treat her right. After making so many people in her life happy, it's time she got some happiness. I can be in one day of absolute horror, just to see her smile. A smile that I wouldn't see if I wasn't here. Although it isn't a walk in the park.

Anyone who knows me knows I'm not here because I want to be. I'm here because she asked me to be here. That's all she had to do. There was no begging and pleading. There was no guilt trip. There was just a beautiful smile, and an 'I'd like you to be there'.

There are other things I could be doing right now. I could be lying with some blond Barbie, who thinks she needs me. Or sitting in an empty, apartment, strumming my guitar to Cinderella's "Don't Know What You Got Till It's Gone". Hell, I could be knitting a pair of socks, but I'm not.

So here I am, on her special day, standing in her dressing room, with my fists in my pocket. Our eyes have been locked on each other for what seems like forever. Normally, I could spend my whole life in her eyes, but this is too painful. Yet as much as this breaks my heart, I can't pull away.

Her eyes, though still the same chocolate brown, are very different from her usual. What used to be confident, and so sure, are now blank. To be honest with you, it scares me. And she knows it.

Even though I can't read her, I know she can read me like a book. She always has been able to know what I was thinking, or what I thought was kept secret.

I feel tears spring to my eyes, as I swallow my heart for the millionth time today. I bit my lower lip as it slightly shakes.

Summoning all the courage I have, and what pride I have left, I advance towards her.

Our lips meet in a slow, passionate, forever-filled kiss. I entangle my hands in her silky hair, as the kiss deepens. She moans as I slip my tongue past her parted lips. Her hands cling to my suit jacket for dear life.

My mind is screaming for me to stop, but my heart, for the first time in ages, has taken over my body. She moves her hands to the inside of my jacket, running them up my chest. As soon as the cool contact of her hands reaches my neck, I pull away.

I step back. Her hair is slightly disheveled, and her breathing is rough and labored.

My emotions get the better of me, when my voice cracks.

"I don't love you."

She knows I'm lying. She knows I love her. She just wanted to hear me say the words.

She walks by me, not bothering to look back. I knew she wouldn't, and she knew I wouldn't follow.

It's now that the tears start to fall as I take my fists from my pockets. My left hand is clammy and cold, my right, tightly wrapped around a velvet blue box.

I fall to my knees as I open the little box that could have been so much more.

_The diamond had lost its shine_

_I know how it feels 'cause my eyes grow dim_

_When I think you could've been mine_

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**Author's Note:** Special Thanks to Ashley for being my Beta. 


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